How Selfish Can You Be?

nothing much to update about the health status of the boyfriend. he is well. feeling absolutely fine and has even began going back to work for a few days. this is only temporary of course, as his second round of chemo is just around the corner. then another…then rest time before surgery scheduled in april. and finally, more chemo.

we are floating in the calm before the storm.

as for myself, i find myself caught in this downward spiral of sadness, guiltiness and loneliness. i feel sad because i have things in my life that are not going well..and one of them is my boyfriend being ill. over the past weeks ive been trying to play the role of being a ‘supportive girlfriend’. ive tried to fraction out my days off to be with him, to keep him company, to get him out of the house. when he was feeling down about his illness, ive tried to comfort him, to cheer him and his family up as we face this challenge together. and through all this i know everyone is occupied with being concerned with how both his mental and physical health is.

and so, for me to feel like my own needs and feelings are being neglected…is a nono right?

i cant help but feel as if my own feelings are being put aside. there are some things that i have asked him to do for me, but he continuously puts it off, saying he doesnt have time or is too tired. honestly though, he would use his time to do something else and he doesnt feel tired anymore. it then puts me through the guilt phrase, where the angel side of me tells me to be more understanding of his situation and that I am being unsympathetically rude for feeling such way.

both of these negative feelings then brew together and create the next phrase, loneliness, which is basically me not initiating to see anyone. ive become hermit like, not thinking twice of making an effort to reconnect with those around me. ive received many messages of ‘checking in’ or ‘felix updates’. as much as i appreciate the movement, i actually would like to step away from this topic and leave my house. i need to feel like i have done something for a day.

and so, tomorrow im leaving the city for the date. going to do some hiking. maybe it’ll chase al the blues away.

His Chemo & The Depreciation of Me

Tonight was my first visit to see him after his first chemo session.

He seemed pretty well, happy, has an appetite but a tad on the tired side with a case of bad hiccups. apparently the hiccups are side effects from the chemo pills that he is taking. still, that is better than vomiting right? precautions were made here and there; he cannot share any body fluids therefore he ate with disposable utensils and bowls. he suggested that i dont get too close to him but in the end we ended up snuggling and listening to old chinese pop songs on his bed.

during all this, i hopped on the emotional roller coaster again. there were moments when suddenly i had a rush of thoughts that triggered tears that silently rolled down my cheeks. thankfully i was able to hide them. the least i want is for him to be sad because of how upset all this is making me.

whenever i think about all the precautions we have to take, it scares and hurts me to know that highly toxic chemicals are injected into his body. it hurts me to know that these toxins are inside him to fight off the cancerous cells, but at the same time will kill off many good parts of him. it scares me to think that fatigue is only a minor side effect at the beginning of all this. soon routine like vomit and hair loss will precede. i had a moments shock when i found one of his hairs stuck to the bandage on my thumb. then another when he found one in his mouth. it may be just regular shedding but i couldnt help my imagination from wandering.

it saddened me the most to realize that the wonderful moment that we were having, simply holding each other in bed, singing loudly and freely of old cantonese pop songs, was only a temporary calm before the storm hits. it saddened me to think that someone who i deeply care for will soon have to experience a range of unpleasant and difficult moments.

i didnt quite realize this until recently but i feel as if i am slowly depreciating.

normally i would use my humor to mask my sad emotions because nobody wants to hang around a depressed person. im finding that more and more i have nothing to say to the people who i normally do. ive become topicless and wordless. i dont want to deal with people because perhaps i can barely comprehend my own life and current status. a “how are you doing” becomes a pressured question to tell others what isnt true. telling people the updated news of his status is becoming a dreaded chore because i am reminded to replay everything from square one. its not fun to explain how terrible someone else is feeling to another person.

i really want to avoid all of this. i want to stop dealing with people.

im tired.

 

 

And So It Begins.

throughout my whole teenage, young adult, adult years…ive been on and off with blogging. i enjoy it very much, but quite often i start a project and end up abandoning it in the end. i think that our time, especially in this era, is on such high demand from almost everything and everyone, that our attention span is on an linear decline.

so what is this new project?

i decided to come crawling back to this sanctuary in hopes to cope with the emotions and experiences that’ll come flooding my way for the months ahead. i’ll call this project:

Cancer Coaster.  

On December 8th 2015, the day of his birthday, my boyfriend Felix has been diagnosed with gastrointestinal cancer. specifically stomach cancer, near the mouth of the esophagus connecting to the stomach. how we found out were signs of blood in his vomit and stool. what followed was and unpleasant scope test through the digestive tract, a two night stay at the hospital, and getting the biopsy results of positive for cancerous cells.

i remember exactly the day that i was told the news. the usual drive home from work became a blurb of thoughts and panic, waves of emotions and tears that flooded my sight. i remember how hard i cried that night.

my boyfriend has cancer. 
metastatic or benign?
what stage is it at?
will he have to go through chemotherapy?
when will the treatments and surgery commence?

he did his CT scan shortly after and I accompanied him and his family to listen to the specifications of the cancer. we were invited into a small office space and huddled together listening to the medical terminology that were tossed at us as if it was a universal language that was assumed that we know.

Acute…Invasive cancer …In situ…Pathologist…Prognosis…Anemic…Adjuvant therapy
‘Its rare to see someone of your age to have this type of cancer’

Leaving the place, i felt more confused and worried that before. still, the stage cannot be determined and i left with only knowing chemotherapy and surgery was very likely to be in the picture. i remember walking down the cold colourless corridors to the elevators, trying my best to hold back the tears that once again shield my vision.

if its so rare for his age, why him?
what went wrong?
why does he need to suffer the months to come?

Days after, another doctors appointment followed. We arrived early in the morning to receive the results from the CT scan, which basically shows if the cancer is metastatic or not. i felt a big lift of relief when we were told that there was no sign of it travelling elsewhere, and that the size of the polyp is so small that it did not appear on the CT scan. A bit confused from that, as we were told the polyp was indeed 1.5cm-2cm in diameter, but hey, if the doctor congratulated us, it must be the best news we can get right? i was relieved, yes, but at the same time felt weird that we were congratulated. is it greedy to think that even though it is not as worst as it can be, it still isn’t ok?

His following appointments were scheduled after christmas, which allowed our minds and our hearts to be temporary relieved from the pain. We allowed ourselves to be submerged in the festivities that embraced my favourite season of the year. we went to christmas markets around the city, drank mulled wine and rode the carousel together for the first time. we went snowboarding and took him to his very first aquarium experience in vancouver. we stuffed ourselves with an abundance amount of incredible food and went to any eating adventures that he craved for. most importantly, we were surrounded by all our friends and family who blessed us with their love.

everyone who has heard the news has generously offered to help in any way and asked me to pass their blessing to him. what i was most surprised about through all this was the overwhelming care that i received from others, regarding my own emotional and mental health. i received frequent checkups here and there, from not only my own circle of friends, but many of his too. i was touched, still am. i know i have to be strong through all this. what breaks his heart is watching the individuals that he cares about, be greatly wounded by the whole event.

so i tell myself,

hold the tears the best you can. put a smile on for him.

Twenty Fourteen: TRAVEL

edit: jan 7, 2016.
a post that i never completed…

 

travel. readapt. change. love. chase.

5 words that sum up 2014.

travel
without a doubt, travelling has taken a large chunk of my 2014.
singapore, shanghai, japan, US, england, france, italy, switzerland
i’ve seen incredible sights and experienced momentous shots of time that i’ll never forget.

From the…

posh night life at shanghai which led to 2 girls walking in drizzling rain at 3am trying to flag down a cab in the deserted streets, ending up meeting another girl doing the same and then deciding to stick together for safety and finally cabbed home together.

To the…

buzzing non pedestrian friendly singapore streets where everyone is zipping by in cars..traveling to all the luxurious shop till you drop consumer traps, where i bumped into david beckham and also enjoyed a cocktail overlooking the famous infinity pool with the singapore skyline in the backdrop.

and the…

fantastic food that i stuffed in my belly in hokkaido, where the place has forever ruined sushi outside of japan for me after tasting amazing quality sushi for a very reasonable price and then also experiencing impeccable hotel service where i soaked myself in a roof top onsen looking over the night view of Hakodate after indulging in a 10 course japanese fusion dinner that served the best uni that i’ve ever set my lips on, not to mention revisiting one of my favourite ramen joint in Tokyo that warmed the soul and stomach during the chilly winter nights

captivated by the…

cobble streets of italy, laid out all over florence, siena, rome, and venice where every meal and every day i was presented with handmade pasta and stone charred pizza, washing it down with endless flow of wine, finishing off with the smoothest and flavourful gelato that i treated myself to, which became more of a routine than a treat in italy…leaving my heart in Tuscany with its gentle rolling hills laid out with rows and rows of vine yards, lit with the tangerine wash of the tuscany sunset. its going to be my venue for my wedding.

also the…

comfort of returning to Seattle, an old favourite that is familiar with its signature tourist hotspots, yet this time i was introduced to other interesting locations on the outskirts, where i fell in love with its hipster cafes and unique boutiques, along with time stopping moments by the park beach and ending the nights with eating adventures and unforgettable desserts

wooed by the…

city that’s simply famous for being filled the definition of love and romance, through its stunning ornate architecture and its picturistic streets where you’ll find classy Parisians enjoying their espresso or wine, sipping o so gracefully while observing the fashionable others confidently strut the streets, always taking their time, always looking poised and put together…unlike me who was wearing my ‘comfortable’ travel clothes, and not gonna lie, felt less confident than the locals, but all was forgotten when the clock struck its magical hour and i watched one of the most dazzling events that ever happened; the symbolic tower of love, the Eiffel Tower, illuminate trillions of little lights, sparkling and glowing in the night.