Feed the feelings

What is the toughest through all this is remaining positive, understanding and still having that spark.

I feel that our spark is dimming and it worries me.

In the works

Today is a good day. Not a cloud in the sky. Part of me wishes I could be outside.

I woke up at 7 this morning, to make breakfast and deliver it to his mom who has been staying at the hospital all night. That’s the least I can do. I wish I could do more. Today is day 3 and I can’t help but feel more or less useless. I sit here thinking what I can do to help. Most of the time he’s just resting, which is good. They were able to help him stand up and even walk to the room door. Lots of huffing and puffing…and LOTS of flem. When he gets a flem episode, it really drains him. He builds up a sweat, tears form, he leans forward to force it out. It’s suppose to be a good sign though, but I cant help but feel insignificant when those moments come. I wish I can ease the discomfort.

I’ve ripped through almost half of mitch alboms Tuesday with Morris. Great read for a little lift. It speaks highly of life, death and love. It gives you an insight of people chasing commodities like cars, houses, money…but in the end are still left with unhappiness. The basic message is to love. I won’t go so far to saying love is all you need, because perhaps I’m too afraid to put my whole self onto the dependence of one idea…but in some ways I do believe that love drives us forward and gives us strength.

Its because I love my boyfriend that I sit here watching him sleep, unable to physically do anything to help but be ready if he needs anything. It’s because his mom loves him, therefore she decided to stay overnight to be on guard, in case there’s a fluctuation in his condition. Then watching a day go by through a window isn’t so bad. I shouldn’t feel like I haven’t accomplished anything or wasted time.

My time was set on accomplishing love.

Dear Felix

Its been over a month since i’ve returned here to manage my emotions as we continue onwards through this cancer coaster.

you’ve recently just completed your last chemo of the first half. what a battle! though this last session was a little rough, losing your appetite and feeling nauseous, we’re 1/3 through! next up if of course surgery, but meanwhile lets try to enjoy the break 🙂

for this post, i actually want to record my current feelings. nothing particular happened today. i did a 5am-1pm shift. we met up, went to your house and chilled, dinner, then waltzed around walmart.

But tonight, watching you adjacent tome as you drove me home, i felt my heart was filled with warmth. along the way, the topic of how you got your name came up, and i learned that Felix, means “happy/ the lucky one”. and then i couldnt help but fall a little more in love with you. because yes, through your annoyance for every bad driver and cyclist posers our there, i would very much agree that you are a very happy person. you have one of the most gorgeous smiles, not one that zaps all the girls that pass by, but the one that allows people to feel you are approachable and genuine. your smile goes beyond the “trust me, i’m and accountant” image, and along with your arched squinted eyes, your happiness has become my sunshine and cheesily, my ray of hope.

and it is this ray of hope that makes me feel like i am lucky, for being with the lucky one. lucky to have a partner that loves me without make up. a partner that loves me when i get too emotional. a partner that is always willing to find ways for us to move forward. though there maybe days that i wont be my best, i will never stop appreciating how much you do for us before, at present and the future.

with this illness in the picture, in some ways it is unfortunate, but i never felt and feel less lucky than before. it has definitely become a challenge for both of us, but as we continue through this, i can feel us grow stronger together with each passing day. i’ll be here when you need me, always 🙂

love,
pig nose.

 

 

 

How Selfish Can You Be?

nothing much to update about the health status of the boyfriend. he is well. feeling absolutely fine and has even began going back to work for a few days. this is only temporary of course, as his second round of chemo is just around the corner. then another…then rest time before surgery scheduled in april. and finally, more chemo.

we are floating in the calm before the storm.

as for myself, i find myself caught in this downward spiral of sadness, guiltiness and loneliness. i feel sad because i have things in my life that are not going well..and one of them is my boyfriend being ill. over the past weeks ive been trying to play the role of being a ‘supportive girlfriend’. ive tried to fraction out my days off to be with him, to keep him company, to get him out of the house. when he was feeling down about his illness, ive tried to comfort him, to cheer him and his family up as we face this challenge together. and through all this i know everyone is occupied with being concerned with how both his mental and physical health is.

and so, for me to feel like my own needs and feelings are being neglected…is a nono right?

i cant help but feel as if my own feelings are being put aside. there are some things that i have asked him to do for me, but he continuously puts it off, saying he doesnt have time or is too tired. honestly though, he would use his time to do something else and he doesnt feel tired anymore. it then puts me through the guilt phrase, where the angel side of me tells me to be more understanding of his situation and that I am being unsympathetically rude for feeling such way.

both of these negative feelings then brew together and create the next phrase, loneliness, which is basically me not initiating to see anyone. ive become hermit like, not thinking twice of making an effort to reconnect with those around me. ive received many messages of ‘checking in’ or ‘felix updates’. as much as i appreciate the movement, i actually would like to step away from this topic and leave my house. i need to feel like i have done something for a day.

and so, tomorrow im leaving the city for the date. going to do some hiking. maybe it’ll chase al the blues away.

And So It Begins.

throughout my whole teenage, young adult, adult years…ive been on and off with blogging. i enjoy it very much, but quite often i start a project and end up abandoning it in the end. i think that our time, especially in this era, is on such high demand from almost everything and everyone, that our attention span is on an linear decline.

so what is this new project?

i decided to come crawling back to this sanctuary in hopes to cope with the emotions and experiences that’ll come flooding my way for the months ahead. i’ll call this project:

Cancer Coaster.  

On December 8th 2015, the day of his birthday, my boyfriend Felix has been diagnosed with gastrointestinal cancer. specifically stomach cancer, near the mouth of the esophagus connecting to the stomach. how we found out were signs of blood in his vomit and stool. what followed was and unpleasant scope test through the digestive tract, a two night stay at the hospital, and getting the biopsy results of positive for cancerous cells.

i remember exactly the day that i was told the news. the usual drive home from work became a blurb of thoughts and panic, waves of emotions and tears that flooded my sight. i remember how hard i cried that night.

my boyfriend has cancer. 
metastatic or benign?
what stage is it at?
will he have to go through chemotherapy?
when will the treatments and surgery commence?

he did his CT scan shortly after and I accompanied him and his family to listen to the specifications of the cancer. we were invited into a small office space and huddled together listening to the medical terminology that were tossed at us as if it was a universal language that was assumed that we know.

Acute…Invasive cancer …In situ…Pathologist…Prognosis…Anemic…Adjuvant therapy
‘Its rare to see someone of your age to have this type of cancer’

Leaving the place, i felt more confused and worried that before. still, the stage cannot be determined and i left with only knowing chemotherapy and surgery was very likely to be in the picture. i remember walking down the cold colourless corridors to the elevators, trying my best to hold back the tears that once again shield my vision.

if its so rare for his age, why him?
what went wrong?
why does he need to suffer the months to come?

Days after, another doctors appointment followed. We arrived early in the morning to receive the results from the CT scan, which basically shows if the cancer is metastatic or not. i felt a big lift of relief when we were told that there was no sign of it travelling elsewhere, and that the size of the polyp is so small that it did not appear on the CT scan. A bit confused from that, as we were told the polyp was indeed 1.5cm-2cm in diameter, but hey, if the doctor congratulated us, it must be the best news we can get right? i was relieved, yes, but at the same time felt weird that we were congratulated. is it greedy to think that even though it is not as worst as it can be, it still isn’t ok?

His following appointments were scheduled after christmas, which allowed our minds and our hearts to be temporary relieved from the pain. We allowed ourselves to be submerged in the festivities that embraced my favourite season of the year. we went to christmas markets around the city, drank mulled wine and rode the carousel together for the first time. we went snowboarding and took him to his very first aquarium experience in vancouver. we stuffed ourselves with an abundance amount of incredible food and went to any eating adventures that he craved for. most importantly, we were surrounded by all our friends and family who blessed us with their love.

everyone who has heard the news has generously offered to help in any way and asked me to pass their blessing to him. what i was most surprised about through all this was the overwhelming care that i received from others, regarding my own emotional and mental health. i received frequent checkups here and there, from not only my own circle of friends, but many of his too. i was touched, still am. i know i have to be strong through all this. what breaks his heart is watching the individuals that he cares about, be greatly wounded by the whole event.

so i tell myself,

hold the tears the best you can. put a smile on for him.

A Moment of Thankfulness

its 130am.

I should be sleeping so that I can wake up early tomorrow and make it to the gym.

Cant sleep though. Not just yet. Must do some work for the overseas project. Yup this week its going to be like this. O I’m not complaining at all. In fact, I’m very thankful. Its more than the fact that I have some income coming in. Its more of feeling so grateful that someone sees a strength in me. So much that they’d take a risk to ask me to work with a huge time difference and without any management.

Tonight I am also super grateful for my supportive partner. Though I did neglect him for most of the night because of the workload, I cannot be more than touched that he invited me to his house, cooked dinner for me, and accompanied me while I was absorbed into the laptop screen. I feel guilty and spoiled of course, but extremely blessed to have him in my life.

More than that, his family has just been a huge support to my confidence for my business. Its an incredible feeling to know that whenever you doubt yourself, there are people there to slap you awake and tell you “stop it, you’re doing more than fine!”

I’m slowly learning to be more patient, be more understanding and much more thankful.

Life’s not too bad at the moment.

 

 

Perfection

and for us, I promise to be the best version of me.

Sad in Love

Maybe because we’re sometimes just afraid that nothing good lasts forever…that everything will come to an end one day. 

..but lets do, end it with a bang 🙂

food for thought

“I will never love anyone more than I myself”

 

what about you?

Touched.

“the cookie is delicious, its light but the meaning is heavy/deep – thank you”
A note in return from my grandpa at the hospital after my homemade macaron was delivered to him.

I havent felt so moved in a long time.